Looking backward not forward

Ok, I'm complaining, I admit it.  My back hurts. My tummy is very big and actually it is uncomfortably tight.  I don't want to take risks, so going out in the snow doesn't sound fun anymore. I'm worried something will happen. Yesterday, I went to the Doctor and she reported that I am 1 cm dilated, so the process has begun! Now, I can stay at 1 cm for a long while or not....I guess we'll just have to see....It's entirely out of my control.

 

Not being able to do much makes me grouchy!

 

What also makes me grouchy is my emotional worry.  

 

I keep looking backwards, not forwards. I miss not being able to go skiing, hiking, or think about planning a SCUBA vacation.  I miss running with my dogs in the woods.   I'm finding it hard to look forward to the potential goodness that is to come.  Usually, I can do that. For example, when I was about to graduate from H.S. all I could think about was college. When I graduated from college, I was thrilled to be moving into the world.  The same thing happened when I decided to go to graduate school.  Same with marriage. I looked forward (with some trepidation) to moving from State to State, but I looked forward to these changes as new and exciting.  I count looking forward as a strength.

 

But as I think forward to becoming a Mom, my mind keeps wishing for all the good things I USED to do. I'm really having a hard time looking FORWARD to how great it will be, how much I have to give, how much love I will have.....  When people ask me, "are you excited" I'm not really. I'm freaked out. I still don't want to lose my old life.  

 

Perhaps adding to the frustration is that time is not on my side.  Clearly, this train is NOT going backwards!  Time will march forward. The birth is imminent and my life will change.  No choices there!  Because I can't change it, I am paying at least lip service to those upcoming goodnesses. I acknowledge that I will love this baby, that I will do fun things again (in time) and that it will be fun to share my life and experiences with a new being.  But I feel like it's just lip service. I don't feel it.

So why do I still feel this way? After all, I've had nine months to get used to this idea.  Why am I still not at acceptance yet?   I want to embrace this upcoming change, but I'm still resisting it, even after 9 months.