My husband is nesting more than me

Yes, I do feel like my husband is nesting more than I am. He is nervous about getting the house thoroughly cleaned, packing away things, cleaning the cars, finishing the projects he has started.  I am more nervous about having a name picked out and going through delivery and recovery. All that housework stuff. Not that concerned because well, with two dogs around, we will never catch up!

So it has been a funny dynamic here. Perhaps compounded by the fact that I can only focus on whether I will be able to walk into the hospital and will have a reasonably healed foot. I bet that's it...the foot recovery has overidden every other concern that I might have otherwise had.

Truly, this has been the strangest 3 months of my life, a test of my patience and my willingness to cede control.  I guess one thing's for sure: only 1 thing in life you can count on -- change happens.

My Christmas gift: more changes

This Christmas felt different to me, not surprisingly, I guess, because of being 8 months pregnant. Time continues to move a lot slower when you are pregnant and still recovering from a broken ankle.  And of course, I'm growing larger. Since my appointment two weeks ago, I have gained 4 lbs (Thanks no doubt to excellent Christmas cooking compounded with little exercise!). Four pounds! It seems like a lot, and I hope this baby appreciates it.

People keep asking if I'm ready. Like, how?  Materially, I guess we are getting there. The to-do list still includes 1) packing labor bags and making sure we have directions to the hospital from all possible venues 2) finalizing a birth plan 3) buying baby bottles (either glass or BPA free) and some way to store breast milk in the fridge/freezer and 4) other little things like onesies, outfits, and medical supplies.
Emotionally, I'm still on a roller coaster on that one. Now I'm starting to feel big enough that I can see why women start feeling ready for this 9 month saga to be OVER. But am I emotionally ready for the pain of labor, the immediate recovery, and then the prospect of being a Mom first to a newborn and then for the rest of my Life?? Is anyone?  It will be a wild ride, I'm sure.

Questions

1. When should I buy a nursing bra? Should I wait for the hospital to fit me?

2. When should I pack for the hospital?

And a side note: today at physical therapy, I met a woman in for rehab for her tendons in her ankle. Came to find out, she is paralyzed on her left side (particularly left arm). She had a stroke while giving birth to her second son (now 7). ulp! PARALYZED from LABOR???? whoa.

Milestones

December 9: First day that my husband had to put my shoes on for me.

I am definitely looking and feeling noticably bigger. My belly just 'popped' in the last week. Amazing.

Also, HUNGRY. A lot.

December 14: Moved from 1 crutch to a cane! Will continue to use 1 crutch when occasion warrants it. Also, on to "red" and "green" therabands. (I graduated from the yellow one!)

Which hospital would you choose?

We have visited two local hospitals.  Which one would you choose?

Hospital 1: large, well-respected hospital (in top 50 hospitals in country). Level 2 trauma NICU. Encourages skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth. Process involves a) triage b) labor, delivery, and recovery (all in one room, and each is private and equipped with a private bath with shower, as well as a large bay for the baby check station).  After recovery, new Moms and baby go to 7th floor to "family centered care" where baby rooms in with Mom for an additional 24-48 hrs, depending on C-section or not. C-section rate around 40%. Hospital is 3.57 miles from my house, roads often trafficy and busy. Takes between 15 minutes and 30 minutes to get to hospital. More doctors from my particular practice are on call at this hospital. However, I can't be guaranteed any particular doctor since I am in an HMO. Doctors from other centers also are on call....I think there must be  staff of close to 30 rotating OBs. The chance of my seeing an OB I've seen before is like 25%.

Hospital 2: smaller, well-respected hospital. Level 3 trauma NICU, Also encourages skin-to-skin contact after birth. Process involves a) labor, delivery and recovery (triage is largely skipped unless you are not in true labor, or if no beds are available).  LDR suites are a bit smaller, but are well equipped with private bath (with shower) and a rooming station for baby. After recovery, Moms and baby room in together on the same floor in the "family centered care" unit for 24-48 hrs. C-section operating rooms are exclusively for C-sections. C-section rate around 40%. Hospital is 7.57 miles from my house. Roads can be trafficky, but there are two back road routes. Takes about 35-45 minutes to get to hospital.  Moms I have spoken with spoke highly of this women's center. Fewer doctors from my practice will be on call at hospital 2, since the practitioners largely come from other HMO centers in the area. The chance of my seeing an OB I've seen before is nearly 0%.

Both have lactation consultants. Both have C-section ORs. Both allow 4-5 people to be in the LDR and family centered care unit with the new Mom and baby at any time. Both have convertible chair-beds for the birth partner. Both have WIFI.

So, who's ready to vote? (and justify your vote please)

So much to do!

I could write about 6 blogs here, with all the thoughts swirling through my head.

1) Good news! I am now on one crutch, and have started physical therapy.
2) Bad news! the physical therapist thinks I have 4-6 weeks of therapy ahead of me. The baby is due in 8 weeks....IF the baby is on time and not early!

3) We have selected a wonderful doula named Candice who will meet with us ahead of time, review a birth plan, and then will help with early labor, be there for the hospital stay, and provide some post partum support. I'm really glad to be using a doula. My friends say that doulas are worth every penny. 

4) Aside from a few random items, we are still woefully underprepared. I am banking on still having 9 weeks of prep time and a baby shower. Hope I'm not being too optimistic here!

5) The baby's room looks GREAT! I will try to post a photo of the wonderful creative work my two friends did on the former guest room, now nursery. I picked a gender neutral theme, and of course it had to be based in Biology....so we have a room of brightly painted insects flying around! Ladybugs, bumblebees, dragonflies, butterflies etc. I then stenciled some curious and brightly colored caterpillars crawling along light switches and baseboards.  My friend has stenciled a beautiful tree in one corner that looks really 3D. It is super cool! I loved decorating the room simply and by hand. I think we did the whole project for about $100 and no trips to big box stores! Now I just need a crib in there....and a rocking chair under the "tree"....

6) All that said, I am alternating between being excited and being totally freaked out. In general, I feel good and am cheery. The baby kicks often, and so I think all is healthy thus far.  My husband must be laughing at me though, as I grunt trying to throw my legs over the side of the bed to get up in the morning. this morning, He actually gave me a "push" to help me up! It's so weird not to have control of your own body!  It is also frustrating knowing that I have been sedentary for 7 weeks now, due to my broken ankle. Slowing down means I get quite a bit of computer work done and I can easily keep up with work. It is also preparing me for the inevitable slowdown of parenthood when my life is no longer my own.  Thus, I am still mourning the loss of activity and the Life I once had. I need to continue to shift my focus to being forward-looking at the new and different Life ahead....

Hanging in there

Now at Week 30. 10 more to go.

Obviously pregnant now, and growing. Baby kicks all the time. Right now, the baby's arm or foot is right under my right rib cage. That is the least comfortable place for it to be. And it is happening with increasing frequency.

Because of my recovering ankle (now 6 weeks on crutches), I'm not exercising much, but I am resting a lot.  I hope this means the baby will be well rested, too!  I miss walking, swimming, yoga, and generally staying active and I wonder if I am not doing the baby any favors by not being able to do these things.  I also realized that taking so much time off from being active is going to make it that much more difficult for me to get back in shape after the baby is born. But I'm getting ahead of myself....one day at a time!

Doula-ing

My husband and I are checking into using a doula, a birth "consultant" for assistance with our birth. I'm curious about using a doula because 1) I'm in an HMO and can't pick a specific health provider to be with me at the birth 2) I could use a little extra advocacy in the hospital and 3) lots of women friends have said how wonderful doulas can be.  We have met with two doulas. Both seem just fine. I wonder how to pick one? Both are friendly. They are each the back-up for the other. One has years more experience, but the other seems a bit more outgoing and ebullient.  One knows massage techniques.  The other has kids.

Any suggestions on how to choose from here?

Today's hospitals

My husband and I recently took a hospital tour of one of the two possible hospitals I can deliver at. I was certainly not the most uncomfortable looking pregnant woman on the tour (a harbinger of things to come), but I was the only wheelchair bound pregnant woman! My husband pushed me around. This wheelchair was extra wide. I could have put several shopping bags on either side of the chair with me. Sheesh.

Anyway....the LDR (Labor Delivery Recovery) suites are private rooms with private bathrooms with showers, and a little nursery nook where the baby is weighed and checked, and placed under warming lights, and given their vit K shot soon after birth.  Today's women go through labor, delivery, and recovery in the same room. It has a hospital bed and all the lights and monitors needed, but it also has a pull-out chair for the father/partner.  Up to four guests can be in the room at any time.  Actually, the journey begins at another bed in triage where the woman's labor progress is initially assessed.  After around 30 minutes, the couple is moved to LDR for the remainder of the birth process. About 1.5 hours after recovery (meaning stitching and initial baby checks), the couple moves again to a different wing altogether...the Family Centered Care Unit. This unit has both semi-private or private rooms (at a surcharge).  The scary operating room lights are not in this space.  Instead, it looks like a normal hospital recovery room.  There is a little bassinet for the baby, who rooms in with the mom, and the partner again gets a pull-out chair that converts to a bed.  These rooms all seem to have windows, and the room has free WiFi.  A lactation consultant is on call, and a nurse comes to check on you. You stay in the Family Centered Care Unit for about 24 hrs before going home.

Overall, I'm impressed with the facilities. Baby birthing has apparently really changed since I was born. Now, skin-to-skin (baby/mom) contact is the norm, and rooming in is expected. The father/partner can stay with the mom for the entire process, and is encouraged to stay the whole time.  Breastfeeding is encouraged. The hospital seems to expect that women have different tolerances for pain, and are willing to offer epidurals, or go with a natural childbirth.  There are no birthing tubs, but there are showers in the LDR suites which apparently helps enormously with labor pains.

At the same time that I was glad to learn all this high tech stuff, all this information is overwhelming as it hints that things might go wrong....the big operating room lights, all the machines....but well, we'll not focus on that! Can't control it anyway!

Getting better!

Yeah! I'm healing! Now I can hobble around my house without crutches....which means I can carry my own lunch dishes to the table to eat, and carry a book from the bedroom to the living room. It now feels like I may actually get back to normal in 2 weeks or so.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Last night, my husband and I did some "designing on a dime". We moved the guest room bed downstairs to the basement "nook", and then moved the rather fancy rug into the piano room and exchanged it for the more modern and whimsical rug.  We moved a small chest of drawers, and a bookcase up from the basement, and then decorated with a few random childrens books, and stuffed animals.  So, who needs to buy expensive room redecorating linens?  Our room is looking pretty good just by shuffling our existing furniture and repurposing items and rugs.  I'm also thrilled with the little wooden bassinet/cradle that we borrowed from my brother-in-law. It's adorable and far nicer than the bassinets on sale in those superstores. I love circumventing the commercialism!

How do women do this?

Ok, One question. HOW do women do this???


Three weeks ago I broke my left ankle, so not only am I pregnant -- I'm also on crutches. Which pretty much sucks. Sometimes I feel lucky that I can do some things, and I know that this is temporary.  Other times, I get so overwhelmed. My husband has taken on all laundry, dog walking, grocery shopping and cooking, in addition to the myriad of projects he wants to do for himself plus his very stressful job.  Meanwhile, I'm reduced to typing on my computer, lying on the couch reading magazines or playing on my iPhone. It isn't fair. I look around and see so much that needs to be done/cleaned/attended to before the baby comes and I can't do it.  And I can't do my swimming exercises and I haven't been to prenatal yoga in 3 weeks.  Again, this is temporary. My foot is healing. It certainly feels better than it did three weeks ago!  So I need to remain positive, for my sake and for the baby's. I know I do. But banishing the pity party is very hard, I gotta say.

Aches and Pains

All was going along just swimmingly....I was doing prenatal yoga, and deep water aerobics. I was walking the dogs, and feeling pretty energetic in my 24 week of pregnancy. And then, on a hike on Sunday, I slipped on a rock, fell forward and twisted (to avoid falling on my belly).  The baby is fine. Still kicking away in there.

But my ankle is broken. At the lateral malleolus of the distal fibula.  I'm an invalid, in pain, and not having much fun. If this is supposed to be a lesson in how to be patient, and how to slow down once the baby comes, it's a good one.  And one I'm not feeling very receptive to at the moment.

The crutches make me nervous. I don't want to fall again, particularly being pregnant and because I only have one good leg to stand on.

Unbelievable. Can I have a do-over please?

Back to freaking out

Today I went to a breastfeeding class. Yes, me, at a breastfeeding class. Never believing I would actually BE a Mom, this is truly freaking me out.  I found myself overwhelmed all over again.  The nurse kept talking about how it shouldn't hurt to breastfeed (it's all about proper latching behavior and proper positioning) but the stories of what could happen and what might hurt....ouch. And then there's the dreaded pump. Really?  Sounds like most mothers have them and use them, particularly if they want to keep breast feeding while they are working. But really?! Do I have to?  And the last thing that freaked me out is the upcoming tiredness and lack of sleep when feeding a newborn every 2-3 hrs for the first several weeks. My husband is helpful, but really....How is the housework ever going to get done?  How will our two energetic dogs get enoug exercise?  And all this in the middle of winter.  Will I ever get out of the house? I'm worried I'll be so concerned about "leaking" in public etc etc that I won't want to venture out til this child is weaned! Wow. So much to think about and anticipate.

It's all a part of Life

At 22 weeks, I'm feeling like pregnancy is a way of Life. No longer does it feel odd to have a belly in front of me, feel kicks inside me, or wear pants that don't fit. I'm actually less stunned at my changing body right now. Of course, this could all change in a day, so stay tuned.  Making peace with my rapidly changing body has been one of the hardest parts of this pregnancy so far. I hadn't realized how much my identity and my body image were linked. Still, as I say, I'm slowly adjusting to this new body and acknowledging that two of us are growing and changing rapidly.

In other news, my husband and I have tackled two baby superstores now -- just to look. We were too overwhelmed to even contemplate buying anything.  Even going into the store is a big step for us -- and particularly for father-to-be. It means he is acknowledging this change in status too.  So I was happy that he agreed to go and BE overwhelmed with me.  Now we'll need to weed through all the commercialism to figure out what we really need, and try not to go overboard. yipes.

So whose life is this anyway?

I had an epiphany. The little guy/girl won't be living my childhood but theirs!  Duh. (you might say) but I swear I've been having fantasies of sharing the things I did as a little kid with THIS little kid: visions of taking them to gymnastics, or having them love classical music (or even F horn).  And while I know I can expose them to a lot of things I did (music in general, hiking, reading, museums, sports of various types, arts) this little being will have their own interests.

This may well be a good thing...or not!  Maybe this one will love hockey?  Or pottery? Or singing in an a cappella group? Or skateboarding? Or football? Or wrestling? Or ballet? Or playing in a rock band? Or dressing punk style? Or ski jumping? Or sky diving (yikes!)? or acting?  And if it's a boy, I guess I'll have to put away the dream of ever having someone to inherit my dollhouse (the pride and joy of my childhood). Sigh.  Thankfully, there are other little cousins who will be ready for it, and hopefully will love it as much as I did.

In line with this train of thought: I had two very vivid dreams last night.  One was a dream about a gymnastics competition and the other was about a diving competition (my two favorite competitive sports growing up).  I woke up kinda sad that perhaps this little one won't love those sports.

I had such a good childhood: summers in Maine, skiing in winter, backpacking in the beautiful New England mountains, competing in sports I loved, riding bikes, playing music, making good friends, going to summer camp....I only hope that this one will have a good childhood too. I just have to accept that it will be different.

OK....at 5 months (20 weeks) today!

Ultrasound at 20 weeks. Top photo: baby's feet from bottom Bottom photo: profile

I may be losing track of weeks here....but I think I'm at 20 weeks starting today.

Milestone 1: I wore my first official maternity clothes to work today. I was wearing normal pants, but had to hold them up by attaching a rubber band through the button hole and stretching it to extend around the button. Luckily these lovely maternity shirts are longish and cover the waistband of pants. I always wondered about that....now I know what pregnant women are hiding under that clothing....pants that don't close.

Milestone 2: signing up for a bunch of classes at the local hospital.  Breastfeeding, child care, and a 6-hr "express" birthing class (since none of the regular birthing class sessions fit my schedule).   And they are expensive!  I didn't expect to pay for these classes, and lo and behold there are costs associated with each. The hospital tour itself is free. I signed up for that one too.

Now on to researching....doulas, birthing plans, car seats, cribs, strollers.....any ideas anyone?

And the emotion report: feeling good. Moodiness has largely disappeared (thank goodness). Feeling happy. Tired at times, but that seems natural.

Baby is definitely kicking. Not sure if anyone else but me can feel it yet.

Updates and more good news

On Monday I had my 20 week ultrasound. The technician took about 133 pictures with multiple images of the cranium, the vertebrae, the heart, the blood flow and other measurements.  This test is by far the most comprehensive ultrasound because specific measurements were taken to assess for proper development of the heart, the spine and the brain (primarily).  Results were good, according to my doctor. All is normal!

So together with our amniocentesis results, we are feeling pretty good overall.

On that same day, I had my 4 month check up.  I have gained 5 lbs since last month....just a little more than I had wanted.  (The doctor says 0.5 lb per week, so 2.5 per month or up to 1 lb per week (4 lbs per month).  So I'm a little worried that I'm over my weight allocation. I just started doing water aerobics 2x  a week, and yoga once a week so maybe  I can keep my weight in check - without going crazy. Obviously the weight gain is inevitable!

Amniocentesis results

So today I got a call from the center where the amniocentesis was performed, and got good news that the karyotype was normal. There are 46 chromosomes. Perfect. And those chromosomes all have normal shapes and sizes. Perfect.  And the blood test that tested for a fetal protein that correlates with spina bifida was also at a level to indicate NO spina bifida.  So, we so far have a healthy pregnancy!

I know you're asking: but what about the gender?  We're traditionalists. We have opted not to know. It will be a surprise for everyone!

I do feel that a weight has been lifted. We know about as much as is medically possible to know about the health of this baby. The rest we must take on faith. I need to continue to take care of myself, be happy, and trust that the rest of development will proceed well.

So now, knowing what I know, would I do the amniocentesis again? Probably yes. It is very nice to have confirmation of a healthy baby. I feel endlessly better knowing that I don't have to worry about chromosomal disorders.  Now I just have to refuse to worry about the stuff I can't test for anyway!

Restless legs lead to restless nights

Generally, I go to bed between 10:30 and 11 pm. And generally, I fall RIGHT asleep and don't wake again until morning. No bathroom stops. Nice deep sleep.

No more!

I am having trouble sleeping comfortably in the beginning of the night.  I initially fall asleep pretty fast, but by 1 am, I wake up again, uncomfortable, needing to pee, and wanting to jiggle and move.  So, I get up, take care of business, and get myself a glass of water before lying down again. Two hours later, I wake up again, usually after what feels like an eternity of tossing and turning.  I then repeat my earlier routine.  By between 2 and 4 am, I generally feel better, more hydrated, and more comfortable. After that, I sleep well.

I wonder why this happens? Is it common? Can I do something to make these discomforts less? Maybe I should try drinking more fluids before bed. Hmmm.

The procedure -- amniocentesis

Today I had an amniocentesis.  The visit took about 2 hrs, but the actual procedure took about a minute. You can be sure I didn't look at the needle.  The sonagram/ultrasound guided where to place the needle, but I didn't watch that either.  The doctor was very amicable and professional, and made me feel at ease.

Most of the appointment was spent with a genetic counselor, talking about what the test detects and what it doesn't.  I am happy to be receiving irrefutable information about all chromosomal disorders and 96% accuracy on spina bifida and other neural defects.  If only we could know about gene mutations to the same amount of accuracy.  I guess that's one thing we'll never know for sure.

The procedure itself was not painful....more like discomfort and pressure.  The doctor took two 50 mL centrifuge tubes of slightly yellow clear fluid. The fluid containing over one thousand cells will be shipped via FedEx to labs in Florida where they will be spun down, pelleted, and cultured with a mitogen.  After the cells have grown, growth will be arrested in metaphase, when the chromosomes are thickest, and isolated from the cells for chromosomal analysis. We should know results in 10 days or so.

So Much Calcium, so little time!

I have been craving calcium.  The other day, I had yogurt for breakfast, then a cup of hot cocoa (made with milk), then mac and cheese for lunch, followed by a small bowl of ice cream for dessert. Am I strange or what?????

Pregnant at 41

I haven't ever blogged before, and I'm actually not sure I have time for a blog. But so many thoughts keep swirling through my head and I'd love a forum in which to share them. I have read other women's blogs -- they are all so funny, positive, and sound so excited about their pregnancies!  I must say that at 16 weeks, I'm still pretty darn petrified. My body is changing. I'm not officially showing yet, but I look fat, and my chest has grown a whole cup size. There's no doubt I'm pregnant, but I'm in the weird awkward stage of who I tell, who can tell anyway, how I respond when I notice people looking at my belly and then not saying anything to me.  My husband is more concerned about my health and that of the baby's than about planning for the future. He's not ready to start working on names, go shopping for baby furniture, thinking about redecorating the guest room or anything like that that might help ME get more excited and make this seem more real.  Everyone who has kids simply loves them, and is so excited to share information. What about me? Will I be like that?  What if I'm sad? What if I yearn for my own old life?