Almost there

I can't believe it....I'm 38+ weeks along and could have a baby any day. This is truly unreal.

How will the labor go? How will the delivery go? What will the immediate aftermath go?  And yet, all I can do is sit and wait. It's frankly a bit unnerving!

I'm trying to stay busy with work projects, home projects, and some cooking. Managed to celebrate my husband's birthday successfully, and to go out as often as I can, but every time I decide to do something, I wonder if it's a smart idea. What if?  Of course, I can't run my whole life based on fear, but there is something to being VERY pregnant and it being cold and slippery outside.

In about a week, I'm hoping to share some new news with you. We'll keep you posted!

Looking backward not forward

Ok, I'm complaining, I admit it.  My back hurts. My tummy is very big and actually it is uncomfortably tight.  I don't want to take risks, so going out in the snow doesn't sound fun anymore. I'm worried something will happen. Yesterday, I went to the Doctor and she reported that I am 1 cm dilated, so the process has begun! Now, I can stay at 1 cm for a long while or not....I guess we'll just have to see....It's entirely out of my control.

 

Not being able to do much makes me grouchy!

 

What also makes me grouchy is my emotional worry.  

 

I keep looking backwards, not forwards. I miss not being able to go skiing, hiking, or think about planning a SCUBA vacation.  I miss running with my dogs in the woods.   I'm finding it hard to look forward to the potential goodness that is to come.  Usually, I can do that. For example, when I was about to graduate from H.S. all I could think about was college. When I graduated from college, I was thrilled to be moving into the world.  The same thing happened when I decided to go to graduate school.  Same with marriage. I looked forward (with some trepidation) to moving from State to State, but I looked forward to these changes as new and exciting.  I count looking forward as a strength.

 

But as I think forward to becoming a Mom, my mind keeps wishing for all the good things I USED to do. I'm really having a hard time looking FORWARD to how great it will be, how much I have to give, how much love I will have.....  When people ask me, "are you excited" I'm not really. I'm freaked out. I still don't want to lose my old life.  

 

Perhaps adding to the frustration is that time is not on my side.  Clearly, this train is NOT going backwards!  Time will march forward. The birth is imminent and my life will change.  No choices there!  Because I can't change it, I am paying at least lip service to those upcoming goodnesses. I acknowledge that I will love this baby, that I will do fun things again (in time) and that it will be fun to share my life and experiences with a new being.  But I feel like it's just lip service. I don't feel it.

So why do I still feel this way? After all, I've had nine months to get used to this idea.  Why am I still not at acceptance yet?   I want to embrace this upcoming change, but I'm still resisting it, even after 9 months.

Professional vs personal

Yesterday I attended the annual teacher conference at my college, a place where we reunite with colleagues and attend workshops and seminars run by our colleagues to showcase our best practices and get inspired with new ideas for the upcoming semester. I loved being back amongst my professional colleagues again.

And yet, going was also bittersweet. By the end of the day, my ankle ached a bit from the walking -- walking, which, by the way, was not extensive by my usual standards. Normally,  I would not have considered the amount of walking I did any more than typical getting around type walking. Yesterday, it felt like exercise!

And I think I was the only pregnant one there. Many congratulated me, but it still felt odd knowing that this semester will be so different. I won't be able to gear up for a professional semester as I have in years past. This conference was almost like a swan song to the semester, and it hasn't even started yet.

So the old concerns about balancing professional and personal life keep creeping in. Yup, Life will no longer be the same. Truly. From now on, I'll ALWAYS have to balance my professional and personal lives in ways I've not yet experienced.  Still, it feels so weird. I've been a professional for so long....and I've taken pride in my identity as a professional. Now my identity has to include motherhood too!

Man, what a wild ride this is going to be.

Milestones

I've hit nine months!

I have walked two dogs simultaneously around the block for the first time since October 17

I have been on the fetal monitor for the first time. Baby's HR ranges from 138-172 bpm in a 20 min period.

I have had my first ever baby shower, and felt wonderfully loved and supported by many wonderful friends.

Milestones!

My husband is nesting more than me

Yes, I do feel like my husband is nesting more than I am. He is nervous about getting the house thoroughly cleaned, packing away things, cleaning the cars, finishing the projects he has started.  I am more nervous about having a name picked out and going through delivery and recovery. All that housework stuff. Not that concerned because well, with two dogs around, we will never catch up!

So it has been a funny dynamic here. Perhaps compounded by the fact that I can only focus on whether I will be able to walk into the hospital and will have a reasonably healed foot. I bet that's it...the foot recovery has overidden every other concern that I might have otherwise had.

Truly, this has been the strangest 3 months of my life, a test of my patience and my willingness to cede control.  I guess one thing's for sure: only 1 thing in life you can count on -- change happens.

My Christmas gift: more changes

This Christmas felt different to me, not surprisingly, I guess, because of being 8 months pregnant. Time continues to move a lot slower when you are pregnant and still recovering from a broken ankle.  And of course, I'm growing larger. Since my appointment two weeks ago, I have gained 4 lbs (Thanks no doubt to excellent Christmas cooking compounded with little exercise!). Four pounds! It seems like a lot, and I hope this baby appreciates it.

People keep asking if I'm ready. Like, how?  Materially, I guess we are getting there. The to-do list still includes 1) packing labor bags and making sure we have directions to the hospital from all possible venues 2) finalizing a birth plan 3) buying baby bottles (either glass or BPA free) and some way to store breast milk in the fridge/freezer and 4) other little things like onesies, outfits, and medical supplies.
Emotionally, I'm still on a roller coaster on that one. Now I'm starting to feel big enough that I can see why women start feeling ready for this 9 month saga to be OVER. But am I emotionally ready for the pain of labor, the immediate recovery, and then the prospect of being a Mom first to a newborn and then for the rest of my Life?? Is anyone?  It will be a wild ride, I'm sure.

Questions

1. When should I buy a nursing bra? Should I wait for the hospital to fit me?

2. When should I pack for the hospital?

And a side note: today at physical therapy, I met a woman in for rehab for her tendons in her ankle. Came to find out, she is paralyzed on her left side (particularly left arm). She had a stroke while giving birth to her second son (now 7). ulp! PARALYZED from LABOR???? whoa.